The Wonderful World of Quality

Glaswegian child

2012-02-06T05:43:00.000-08:00

The Qualls Guide to the Lower Class Glaswegian Family - Religion

2009-12-29T13:16:00.001-08:00

Most families have their own beliefs and preference of religion. Some families believe in Christianity, some in Islam, some in Buddhism, some believe in non-belief but for the Glaswegian family there is only one religion, only one GOD; it is not Jehovah, it's the other seven word God: Alcohol.

If you were to scan humanity for the ultimate, devout alcohol worshipper, then you'd need not look any further than the humble Glaswegian.

Worshipping his God involves swallying many bottles of Buckfast, large quantities of lager (a few crates will do) and lovely bottles of Scotch whisky.

The Glaswegian believes his religion is discriminated against. "Wid they (the government) ever ask ye tae moderate yer intake of Allah? Naw, ah dinnae think so!"

Despite the dangers large amounts of alcohol intake can trigger, the Glaswegian will continue worshipping his God, in a sincere effort to find spiritual enlightenment, or even better, complete oblivion.

Enemies (government aside) against his religion will try to persuade the Glaswegian to quit his religion, but he is committed to the cause after a lifetime of indoctrination.

When told by a doctor "I'm telling you, very simply, that unless you drastically reduce the level of your alcoholic intake, you will be dead within a year," a Glaswegian male replied "Tell you what. Could we not come to a wee arrangement. I'll start taking a wee dash of lime in my Buckfasts, and you add a wee dod of injury time to my life expectancy kinna style, know?"1

Also, when telling other followers of Alcoholism of what the doctor said, one replied "When the great barman in the sky starts getting ready to call last orders, it's time to swallow up and get ready to meet your maker. We'll see you in the cemetery!" The Glaswegian replied "Aye, well you'll need to knock hard on the heidstone! Coz I'll be doonstairs having a ceilidh!"2

Yes, alcohol is the epitome of one man and his psychosis. Psychosis in the English dictionary means 'severe mental disorder', but in the Glaswegian dictionary, it means 'mental free will'.

Of course, some Glaswegians cannot handle 'mental free will' and the consequences can be devastating.

To view other aspects of the Glaswegian Family, please click on one of the following links: Introduction, The Husband, The Wife, The Children, Pets

1,2 Pattison, Ian, Rab C Nesbitt: The Scripts (BBC Books, 1990)

The Qualls Guide to the Lower Class Glaswegian Family - Pets

2009-12-17T05:30:00.000-08:00

The typical lower class Glaswegian family love to house pets. What
kind of pet, depends on the nature and tastes of that particular
family.

Most Glaswegian families like to home normal pets such as dogs (usually a Staffordshire Bull Terrier, a boxer or a mongrel) or cats (any pussy will doodle-do). They also like pets such as hamsters, gerbils, budgies and goldfish.

Pets always bring out the warm-hearted side of the Glaswegian family. Even though there might be scarcely enough money to live on ("Giros only go so far pal, ah can tell ye."), the family pet will always be well looked after. For the Glaswegian family look upon the family pet as a relative, a very close relative at that. Like the brother you never had or the kid you always wanted, the Glaswegian pet is an extension to the family, in most cases preferred to actual family ("The dog pished itself, but whit can ye say? It's a dog. Whit was Uncle Billy's excuse?").

Of course some families are not content to own the odd dog or cat, and like something a bit more exotic. Iguanas, snakes, terrapin turtles and African Grey Parrots (the talkers) have all graced the home of lower class Glaswegians. In their bleak surroundings, these exotic pets can find themselves the total focus of love and attention from their owners who have nothing better (or more satisfying) to focus their time on. And if you've never heard a parrot say 'fannywasher', then you are truly missing out on one of life's unique evolutionary mutations.

As always, irony plays a large part in the life of the lower class Glaswegian family. For although the typical Glaswegian has a benevolent view towards animals, his love for animals is severely tested when his house is intruded by rats - although for some, this can be a source of company.

But, as expected, the friendly Glaswegian welcomes any animal into his humble abode. When asked by his son "Why don't you kill it, it's only a rat," the father replied "Never forget, everyone of us is rats, but nane of us is only a rat! They're maybes animals but they've got as much right to be here as us. And don't just take my word for it, read your Good Book boy! Ask God! Coz I'll tell you this boy! See the God fella, he got a hod of Adam right at the off, and says unto him: 'See them, by the way (pointing at the rat) them in the fur coats, with the stupid looking faces, they are my animals, by the way! My animals. So let them go forward, and never work, and get plenty of nookie. Coz it'll make up for them having nae heaven, there y'are."1 The son replied "Sounds a bit like us, da! I mean, us human Glaswegians. I'll go and find it somethin tae eat."

In that one paragraph, the Glaswegian father summed up the harsh reality of a godless Glaswegian life, hidden under the cover of a cosy bedtime bible story; but his young son, already de-virginised and on the fags, knew too well what the father was really saying, and the father beamed with pride: "That's ma boy, that's ma boy."

To view other aspects of the Glaswegian Family, please click on one of the following links: Introduction, The Husband, The Wife, The Children

1 Pattison, Ian, Rab C Nesbitt: The Scripts (BBC Books, 1990)

The Qualls Guide to the Lower Class Glaswegian Family - Accommodation

2009-12-12T07:44:00.000-08:00

The lower class Glaswegian family accommodate themselves in what the city council would call 'luxury flats' or 'terraced housing'. The families who stay in this accommodation would rather call it 'bombsite' or 'council tip'.

But living in such adversity and conditions doesn't get the Glaswegian family down. For the Glaswegian has honour, pride, but most of all, humility.

For when asked by the magistrate "Do you have something to say before I pass sentence?", the Glaswegian man forgot about his present predicament and let know his worries for the city, "Aye, I've got something to say. I would just like to know who the hell this city is being run for these days! For them that lives in it or for the bloody tourists! And as for the likes of me scaring away ten thousand jobs, I'll tell you this boy! No civil servant will ever go without a job as long as good for nothing waster scum like me are still signing on at the DSS!"1

Yes the Glaswegian family live in horrendous conditions; dampness on all the walls; in most cases, single glazed windows ("Whit dae they think this is, a historical monument frae the 60s?"). Drug users are regularly chapping on the door looking for Mother Superior. Floorboards are rotting away, allowing the rats free reign and free rent. Paper thin walls, from which every movement and word of their neighbour can be heard (this can be good for the nosey Glaswegian wife, though).

Also, the flats are usually situated in a 'close'. These closes vary from drug dens to graffiti museums. But through it all, the family are humble like Jesus and are content with their bleak surroundings.

To view other aspects of the Glasgwegian Family, please click on one of the following links: Introduction, The Husband, The Wife, The Children.

1 Pattison, Ian, Rab C Nesbitt: The Scripts (BBC Books, 1990)

The Qualls Guide to Lower Class Glaswegian Family - The Children

2009-12-09T02:23:00.000-08:00

The Glaswegian family. A family united like a tribe. As smooth running as a corporate business. Like any successful business, it has runners.

These particular runners are the weans (known in English as children). They are the explosive energy ("Haw you, don't point that firework at me!") of the Glaswegian family.

In stone age times, they would help gather firewood and learn their way around the council cave-estate via the constellations of stars in the sky. They would watch their elders intently and learn from them.

These days, the Glaswegian children have to gather cigarettes (for their mother) from the ice-cream van and wait outside an off-license to gather alcohol (for their father) from someone who is willing (knives are a persuasive tool) to go in and buy it for them. Of course, if their local shop is Asian-owned, then ID is not a problem - "Please come again, ya wee bastards" Apu may have said.

As there are not many stars in today's sky due to light pollution from neighbours' tacky Christmas decorations (seemingly on show all year round), we can forgive these poor wee souls for being an evolutionary side-affect. And thus, too much following the fairy lights and homonedian (NEDS) was born.

The Glaswegian children have no worries about collecting giros, so they spend their spare time smoking cigarettes ("Where's ma fag, ya homo?"), getting drunk on cheap cider ("Gies ma Merrydown!") and dealing drugs to their friends in playgrounds ("Hash or ecky, pal?").

Also, the Glaswegian children have to learn the ways of the world, such as finding a suitable partner and having responsibilities. When asked by a journalist "What do you think of that girl standing by the phone box?" a Glaswegian child replied "Call that a lassie? That's six month in jail for breach of the ugly!"1

That reply might seem cheeky to the untrained social worker, but it in fact shows that Glaswegian children develop humour and excruciating sarcasm from an early age. The future will be safe in the Glaswegian child's hands, and if someone else should have it, fear not, the Glaswegian child will obtain it via any means ("Whit's mine is mine, an' whit's yours is mine, tae") and for that, we can be thankful.

To view other aspects of the Glasgwegian Family, please click on one of the following links: Introduction, The Husband, The Wife, Accommodation.

1 Pattison, Ian, Rab C Nesbitt: The Scripts (BBC Books, 1990)

The Qualls Guide to the Lower Class Glaswegian Family - The Wife

2009-12-06T10:21:00.000-08:00

The Glaswegian family. A family united like a tribe. As smooth running as a corporate business. Like any successful business, it has someone important working behind the scenes. Behind these particular scenes, is the Glaswegian wife.

She is the stable entity of the family, a fine matriarchal specimen. In stone age times, she would service her man whenever needed (with no complaints), give birth
and look after the caveweans.

These days, the Glaswegian wife services her man whenever it pleases her ("No' the night, ah've got a heidache!"), gives birth to two or three children (then gets sterilised) and produces food which can barely be considered as cooked.
The Glaswegian wife is also a giro type collector and there is no hope (or chance) or her getting (or even looking for) a job.

The greatest and most rewarding job is in the home. Who else would be at home just in case the police popped round to arrest one of the weans for car theft? Also, the husband might come home after a hard day at the pub and be slightly narky towards his wife, demanding that his dinner be cooked ("No' burnt!") and the likes. The Glaswegian wife has a lot of burnt fish fingers on her metaphorical plate.

Thankfully, she has friends to rely on, such as cigarettes. A good 20-40 ciggies a day and her nerves are cured. Despite the trauma and troubles the Glaswegian wife faces in a normal day, she is the most jolliest and humoristic person one is likely to meet.

When asked by a journalist "What do you think of modern Glasgow?" a Glaswegian wife replied "It's on days like these you feel privileged to be living in the new revitalised Glesga isn't it? Honest to Christ, they scrape a bit of crap off the sandstone and suddenly we're all supposed to be jumping aboot like sun drenched Californians or something. Och, I'm sorry to be such a moaning faced bissom, but its hard to feel the warm glow of civic pride when you've just spent the last ten minutes picking your totties oot the gutter in the pouring rain coz the honnel snapped on your bag."1

Once again, this reply may sound terrible to the untrained eardrum, but it actually celebrates the Glaswegian wife's humour and great undiluted sarcasm.

To view other aspects of the Glasgwegian Family, please click on one of the following links: Introduction, The Husband, The Children, Accommodation.

1 Pattison, Ian, Rab C Nesbitt: The Scripts (BBC Books, 1990)

The Qualls Guide to the Lower Class Glaswegian Family - The Husband

2009-12-05T07:50:00.000-08:00

He is the provider of the family. In stone age times, he would risk his life hunting wild beasts to provide food; dodging Sabre Tooth Tigers and avoiding being trampled by Mammoths was part of his daily routine when looking after his kin.

These days, the Glaswegian husband must dodge 'druggies' and avoid 'begging tramps' on his way to the post office to collect his giro.

This is a fortnightly routine which requires intense training during his free time to accomplish. Regular sets of exercises such as drinking copious amounts of alcohol on a regular basis (every day and every night usually does the job) prepare the Glaswegian husband for the giro collection.

Why does drinking help him? Well the husband is more often than not collecting incapacity benefit (sick money). During training he hasn't the capacity to string a sentence together, thus training prepares him for the visit to the doctors and being diagnosed as an alcoholic. He then negotiates the giro collection and if successful, proceeds to collect his prescribed medicine from the pub.

God forbid that the Glaswegian husband finds life on the dole unappealing. For such rare cases such as this, the only alternative for him is to get a job. This way, he still provides for his family, feels greater self‑pity (his boss is a cunt) and earns more money for booze.

Jobs available (and suitable) for the Glaswegian husband include glamorous work such as: street sweeper, bin man, walking around with a sandwich board (Bint's Burgers or Apocalypse, your choice) or even walking around dressed as a hamburger saying "I'm no' the meat, but huv ye ever seen a salad dressin this hairy?" But, to the Glaswegian husband, this alternative to the dole is an unappealing one.

When asked by a journalist "Everybody has to work or do you disagree?" a Glaswegian husband replied "Of course I disagree. Christ Almighty, there's a working population of twenty million. And thur's only seventeen million jobs to go roon. So some poor swines've got to be on the dole. So it might as well be them that likes it. And I lap it up like a dummy tit in Ostermilk, let me tell you that, boy."1

This reply might seem harsh to the untrained earhole, but it actually demonstrates the Glaswegian man's wit and great show of empathy to his fellow hard-working neighbours.

To view other aspects of the Glaswegian Family, please click on one of the following links: Introduction, The Wife, The Children, Accommodation.

1 Pattison, Ian, Rab C Nesbitt: The Scripts (BBC Books, 1990)

The Qualls Guide to the Lower Class Glaswegian Family - Introduction

2009-12-04T12:16:00.000-08:00

WELCOME to the 'QUALLS Guide to the Lower Class Glaswegian family'.

This guide will provide an invaluable insight into the life of a typical lower class Glaswegian family, with no consideration for political correctness or general piles of government-funded shite.

The guide will start with looking at the alcoholic husband, then the long-suffering wife and then the angelic weans (aka the children). It will look at the family abode and the family pets. It will also look at aspects of the Glaswegian man's persona such as recreational activities, political views, travel and 'law and order'.

The guide will also include quotes from Glaswegian people and will include (if necessary) translations of certain slang words, in brackets.

The Glaswegian family is a complicated one. Some might say dysfunctional. But as this guide will show, Glaswegians are truly the salt of the gutter. This guide will help explain the psyche of the Glaswegian and enlighten those too feart to venture anywhere near Scotland's biggest city.

Were your preconceptions of the Glaswegian family stereotypical? Or did you have other ideas? Hopefully, this guide (to be updated periodically - translation to self-aware Glaswegians: when ah kin be arsed!) will answer any questions you may have had regarding the lower class Glaswegian family.

Disclaimer: Ah'm frae a lower class Glaswegian family masel, so if ye've anyhin disparagin tae say aboot it, get it right up ye!

The accuracy ae this article can be debated as ah dinnae huv a da', or any brothers. Ah huv a maw, but she disnae smoke.

To view aspects of the Glaswegian Family, please click on one of the following links: The Husband, The Wife, The Children

If ah'm infringin any copyright, please let me know and ah'll take doon said infringed copyright material. Ah hope ye kin live wae yersel knowin that ah'll huv to suffer real neds to get mer accurate photos. Cheers pal!